I've been surrounded by the topic of forgiveness lately. It seems like everywhere I turn God is opening up a door for me to hear about it, talk about it, or write about it. I have to admit, I’m a little concerned. Past experience tells me to run and hide. There’s a storm a comin’. Yeah. Sometimes when God starts pointing certain things out to me, it’s because He’s preparing me for the onslaught. Sometimes it’s simply that He wants me to share with others, plant a seed, or help relieve their hearts in some way. And with that thought in mind, I share a little about my own journey with forgiveness.
You see, I have been through more in my life than most people are aware of. I may not come across as such, but in many ways, I'm a very private person. Yes, I'm outgoing and often the life of the party. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but that doesn't mean I share the innermost secrets of that heart with just anyone. In fact, for many years, I struggled with what had happened to my life, my marriage, my faith. I wasn't one of those people that you could see the signs of my struggle, though. No, I was the clever one – the one who put on a brilliant smile for the world but then cried herself to sleep at night. And after a certain amount of time, some days I really wasn't even sure why I was crying.
It was obvious why when I saw families together. When I glanced at the innocent smile of a baby. Watched soon-to-be parents together. Played with my own children. I was ashamed. Deep down, I knew that I had failed my family, my children, myself and God. In so many ways. I felt guilty, weighed down by my past. Haunted by choices I'd made.
And here’s the part that didn't make sense. I knew God had forgiven me. But I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive myself.
I don't know how it is that we often can't forgive ourselves for our sins, failures, and shortcomings. I’m sure there are a thousand reasons why. Maybe because of how we were raised, maybe we don't grasp the true concept of repentance and grace. Or maybe we are just human and struggle to forgive easily. But as Christians, we have to learn to walk the walk and live a life of forgiveness. We have to willingly forgive anyone who sins against us. Including ourselves. And that’s often the hardest person to forgive. The one staring back at you every morning in the mirror.
It’s funny how it’s easier to forgive someone else.
My moment of truth came when God smacked me in the head with the truth. Okay, it was a figurative smack. But it really got my attention. While praying, once again asking forgiveness, the thought that came to me was crystal clear. It was almost like someone had verbally asked me: “Do you think you are better than God?”
It hit me hard. Of course I didn't think I was better than God. What a ridiculous notion. But the thought continued, “If God considers the death and bloodshed of Jesus enough to forgive you, then what gives you the right to say it isn’t enough? By not forgiving yourself when you know God has forgiven you, you're being awfully arrogant about how much better you think your decision is when God said His way is sufficient.”
I won't lie. That kinda hurt. Really hit me in the gut.
As much as we would like to, we can't go back and correct our mistakes. However, we can make a decision to learn from them and start forgiving ourselves.
God wants you to be free from guilt, free from depression, free from the past. Scripture says, “old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new...” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
It doesn't matter what you've done. Big. Small. No matter what your story is: rape, murder, theft, lying, cheating, adultery, addictions, etc; when you repented and asked for forgiveness the first time, God forgave you. You can know that even before the foundations of the world were laid, He knew what your mistakes and downfalls would be – your sins, weaknesses, addictions – they all were nailed to that cross with Him 2,000 years ago. He did it all so that we could know forgiveness.
And forgiveness puts it all in a new perspective. Yes, it still happened. But God detaches it from us, sends it as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). We are no longer covered in guilt; we are covered in mercy, spared from the punishment that was ours to take.
Maybe you are still carrying around the shame. Maybe you've been trying to forgive yourself, but the realization that you can't undo the past keeps eating at you. You've said you're sorry. You've changed. But the guilt, the burden, remains.
Once you repent, God doesn’t hold it against you or bring it up when you make mistakes. No. God forgives completely. There might be times when you don't feel like you're forgiven, and you struggle to forgive yourself. But don't fall into that trap. Feelings can be deceiving.
What I've learned is this: Forgiving yourself is a decision. One you sometimes have to make over and over. And it’s not an easy one. I know…I've been there. But, God says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).”
Take it to God and lay it down. It's not your burden to carry any longer.
